Okay, if there is one thing that you need as quickly as you can when you reach the UK is a National Insurance number. It’s like gold. It opens up your world [Insert theme music here]. So once I have my bags settled in the hotel (that’s a blog for another time), my girl calls and advises me to book an appointment as soon as possible.
Fast forward two weeks and off I go.
“Luuuurisssssamarrrrryyyy! Luuuurisssssamarrrrryyyy!” shouted a man with a thick African accent.
I continue reading my book.
“Luuuurisssssamarrrrryyyy! Luuuurisssssamarrrrryyyy Zool”
I look up and giggle. He was trying to call me!
“Oh my name is Carla. I think you are talking to me,” I tell him.
“You don’t know your name,” he asks.
“Yes my first name. Where I’m from we don’t call people by their middle names that they never go by and expect them to answer.”
If you know me, I’m heated now, but I hold my tongue because this foul-smelling man holds the key to something that I need.
“I am going to ask you some questions. I need you to answer them truthfully and honestly.”
“What is your full name?”
Didn’t he just butcher it?
“When is your date of birth?”
I tell him.
“How old does that make you and let me say that I had a young man recently who said he was born in 1994 and couldn’t calculate his age...not because he was lying but because he couldn’t subtract. Not to say you will lie.”
I’m super pissed now, but reminding myself that this fool had what I wanted.
“Are you always this happy?” he asks.
“Yes,” I replied through clenched teeth. “You should see me when I’m in a bad mood.”
And the inquisition continues.
“Have you ever been married?”
Him: “Have you ever been divorced?”
I almost said: “Didn’t I just @#%$@# say I’ve never been married!”
And it gets worse….
“How many children do you have?”
“Do they have the same father?”
“So they are the products of casual, social relationships?”
[Mental record schreeches].
WHAT THE FLIP DID THIS MAN JUST SAY TO ME?! HAS HE LOST HIS EVER LOVING MIND?!
I had to dig deep for the filter…
“Wellll...I’ve never heard it quite put to me that way, but no I did not marry any of their fathers.”
Next question…I tell you no lie: “Have you been divorced?”
If looks could kill, he would be just as dead as his deodorant. He then proceeded to question whether I was a UK citizen and why my passport looked different than others he’d seen. His colleague thankfully overheard him and told him that those of us who were born in UK territories are British citizens from the day we are born.
At the end, I had to look over the application and rectify any mistakes. I pointed out a few and then was thankful that this tortuous process was over and then he says: “You are one big lady.”
“Do you mind clarifying what you mean?”
“Well you have three children and never married their fathers…”
I cut him off before he could finish.
“Is this how an interview should go because your line of questioning is extremely inappropriate and disrespectful and I don’t appreciate it.”
He then tells me that he was joking. I wanted to slap the breath out him so badly I could taste it. When he came back with my temporary number, I collected my passport and didn’t start cursing ‘til I got outside.
I plan on reporting him but I am waiting until I get my permanent number.